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[personal profile] cakesonaplane
So lately I've been feeling that my depression has been getting triggered a lot, and it reminds me of my greatest fear: one day cracking and committing suicide.

Yup.

That's my greatest worry.
Not sharks gnawing at me in the ocean, not losing my cat (because that very obviously belongs on this list), not meteors hitting the Earth, or a car crash that leaves me mangled..nope nope nope.
That's my fear, that I'll fall into a depression so deep and painful that I'll lose my senses and do that stupid thing.

And it feels weird that I have a fear like that, as though I'm the ONLY person with that fear, even though there's likely more people like this.

Heck, that's what made me give my journal name not just cakesonaplane but Broken Bell as well.
When I'm happy and I come here I see that and think, "That was silly, I'm not broken!"
Then this kinda crap happens and it feels absolutely appropriate.
I don't feel right at all, I DO feel broken, like I can't function correctly.

My perception of people and situations around me go from, "Oh look, people, that's just fine and dandy." to assuming they all hate me and want me dead.
Not 'want me dead' like I'm afraid they're gonna kill me.
More like they see me as so inferior that I don't deserve to exist in their eyes, or my own for that matter.

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Broken Bell

May 2013

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