cakesonaplane: (Default)
So lately I've been feeling that my depression has been getting triggered a lot, and it reminds me of my greatest fear: one day cracking and committing suicide.

Yup.

That's my greatest worry.
Not sharks gnawing at me in the ocean, not losing my cat (because that very obviously belongs on this list), not meteors hitting the Earth, or a car crash that leaves me mangled..nope nope nope.
That's my fear, that I'll fall into a depression so deep and painful that I'll lose my senses and do that stupid thing.

And it feels weird that I have a fear like that, as though I'm the ONLY person with that fear, even though there's likely more people like this.

Heck, that's what made me give my journal name not just cakesonaplane but Broken Bell as well.
When I'm happy and I come here I see that and think, "That was silly, I'm not broken!"
Then this kinda crap happens and it feels absolutely appropriate.
I don't feel right at all, I DO feel broken, like I can't function correctly.

My perception of people and situations around me go from, "Oh look, people, that's just fine and dandy." to assuming they all hate me and want me dead.
Not 'want me dead' like I'm afraid they're gonna kill me.
More like they see me as so inferior that I don't deserve to exist in their eyes, or my own for that matter.
cakesonaplane: (Default)
1. Chasing a goose in her parents' yard while holding crackers and begging it to be her best friend.

2. Holding a heavy dog that had escaped the house and sliding down an icy road in hopes that this stunt will save Christmas.

3. Running through Walmart yelling about the severe lack of 'My Little Pony' keychains.

4. Demanding a catchy nickname at a Japanese restaurant, somehow walking out known as Lindsey Lohan, disappointed that it wasn't Ellen Degeneres.

5. Having to race to the bathroom before her father visits so that she can hide her porn.
cakesonaplane: (Default)
Dear journal...here is a list of all the things I am grateful to God for this day!

1. Kittens
2. Puppies
3. Ponies
4. Flamethrowers that shoot chocolate hundred dollar bills (imitation chocolate)
5. Giant robots
6. Italian pastas
7. All the fish in the sea (that are edible)
8. My very original real name
9. Things that don't go bump in the night
10. Tiny, fluffy, high pitched birds that fit in my hand (squeal)

And to go beyond a simple 10 item list....

11. The word 'pudding' Not the food, just the word

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cakesonaplane: (Default)
Broken Bell

May 2013

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